The responsibilities of a man and father are often difficult to balance, especially when children start spreading their independent wings. Even during childhood, a father must balance his role of authority with love, gentleness, and mercy. Men who were raised in authoritative homes are more likely to carry over-balanced authority into their relationships with their children and wives. Too often, men who are authoritative can effectively be blinded to their own faults, justifying their aggressive behavior in the name of protection and authority. Though there is a fine line between protection and control, there is a test that will help determine one’s motives. It is the test of love. Perfect love not only casts out all fear, but can eventually change a temperament. For one’s temperament to be changed, he must desire to be changed and be willing to accept constructive criticism from those he loves.

I suggest to you five pillars of a man’s heart that will capture the essence of why men become so out of balance in regard to their authority. Start by seeing a man as a King, a Warrior, a Mentor, a Friend and a Priest. As a King, a man cares deeply, as a Warrior he contends courageously, as a Mentor, he communicates transparently, as a Friend, he connects deliberately, and as a Priest, he commits sacrificially. These core characteristics can have a positive dramatic impact on a man’s family, but if they are out of balance, they can irreparably destroy relationships. Lets take note of what happens when the pillars of manhood are out of balance.

Most men who read this will be able to identify with the difficulty of maintaining balance in their responsibilities to protect, connect, communicate and love. It’s interesting to note that the Bible says more about loving than protecting. Men who overreact in the area of protection may really be protecting themselves. Men who are jealous because of insecurity will become overprotective, overbearing and display a distrusting attitude toward their wives. Men who are insecure will also try to dominate their children. This tendency for control is the result of insecurity which is overcompensated by thoughts of authority and strength.

Being a man, I know that there is an built in awareness and “calling” to protect my wife and children. No one had to teach me that. However, if I love myself more than I love my wife or children, my motives will lead to actions that are controlling, accusatory, and demanding. When a man’s control is greater than his influence, you can be sure that he loves himself more than others. We do not follow our Lord Jesus because of His control, but because of His influence. That is why He washed the disciple’s feet just prior to His crucifixion. He was teaching about true leadership – servanthood and sacrifice, not authority and control.

Given a choice, I would much rather choose influence….at least at this point in my life. Early on it wasn’t always so. Next article I intend on telling you 3 very revealing stories about my own failure (and lesson learned) in recognizing what I was teaching my daughters and how it changed me forever. Lets just say, for now, that I used my daughters entire childhood to teach them about work ethic and responsibility but sometimes failed to teach them about servanthood. Oh, I thought I taught it and modeled it….but clearly they had “caught” the modeling, rather than my intentions…or intentional teaching…..even though my heart was really for their best good. The whole idea of serving has required me to be readily accessible to serve my children and Anne regardless of any inconvenience. I continue to see that god has flooded me with opportunities to serve. Out of those stories that I will share and out of your desire to be a servant, yourself, you’ll find no greater joy than to be the first that your kids and wife will come to when they need help the most. Isn’t this what God desires for us? This servanthood model really works and yes, it can be costly. But the dividends are worth the cost. It is essential that your children never sense that you are their adversaries. Reflect on that a while!

Marriage, family, church and community/nation all rest on the balance of this biblical pattern. And they all collapse when the pillars lean out of balance. Here they are in short form: The King has vision to provide, but when leaning to either abdication or tyranny endanger the structure. The Warrior has strength to protect but when leaning toward cowardice or brute behavior also endangers the structure. The Mentor desire wisdom to teach, but must guard against “dunce” behavior and “know it all” attitude. The Friend desires to connect in love, but must keep from becoming a loner or a smotherer. The Priest desires to cover spiritually, intercede and guide, but must beware not to overly spiritualize or make worship center on his own expression and needs.

I have published a short pamphlet on “Fatherhood” and will gladly give it to you for the asking. Just email me and mention “Fatherhood” and I will see you receive it.

Warmest regards,

Dr. Gary Musgrove   May 2005